Monday, January 13, 2014

Butt Breathing.

Prologue:
 
          I racked my brain for a more clever title for this post until I realized it might be best to just call it like it is. A fair warning of sorts. I recently asked an old friend of mine to suggest a topic for the next thing to write about and he replied with a series of two word phrases he knew that I knew what they would be referencing. One of them was "Butt Breathing". Although this subject is pretty much what it sounds like, the hilarity that surrounded it is too much for me to ignore just to protect my readers of the disgusting details. In fact, it's the vile content that makes the story worth reading at all. To put it bluntly, continuing further is a choice you make as a reader and you have officially been warned. It's also worth mentioning that the first post I ever made that I decided a prologue was necessary is titled: "Butt Breathing". I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm proud of that.

          There is a strange time in human development that occurs right before puberty. A time of personal discovery before the brain is consumed with nothing but sexual thoughts. The mind is old enough to experiment but still just ignorant enough to not be ashamed of the results. I once figured out that if I lick the palm of my hand and press it to my ear, I could make a farty squeak noise for instance. The list goes on but one of the funniest skills I discovered in my youth is how to breath through my ass. No, this type of breathing doesn't replenish the brain with oxygen to live another moment like that of the lungs. It's only benefit is to bypass the time it takes for food to ferment, gas to form in the intestines, to eventually exit with a delightful noise.
          The way it's accomplished is one has to "assume the position" and resist all urges to laugh. The technique is simple. First you arrange your body on the floor so your ass is the highest point. Do your absolute best to relax despite the overwhelming urge to laugh at the impending results. Once the anus takes in a gulp of air, pinch it off and blow it out as if you had brewed up a fart. If you can stay focused, the procedure can be repeated instantly over and over. Not Laughing is the hardest hurdle to overcome because the only reason you would be doing this in the first place is to elicit laughter and that's the very thing that stops the show. There, You now have a graduate certificate in Butt Breathing 101.
          As you might imagine, this amazing skill was a hit at 5th grade video game sleepovers. There was one time in particular that trumped them all. Like most kids who grew up in the 90's, every weekend I would get together with two of my best friends; Jared and Travis, who were cousins and play video games until we were ordered to go to sleep. Jared's younger brother Joel was with us as usual making it a foursome of very obnoxious boys. At sometime around 1:00am we heard the sound of Jared and Joel's father walking down the hall which indicated the silent ordinance had arrived. We could easily tell the difference between their mom, Susan's quick shuffle and their dad, Loran's heavy lumbering that spoke words of authority through the floorboards with each step. Loran was good friend's with both mine and Travis' dads but there were a few things that made his fathering different. One of the most notable details in my memory was with only boys in his pride he felt no need to put clothes back on when he had already taken them off for the evening.
          After about twelve thunderous steps, there he stood at the top of the stairs that led to the rec room in nothing but his tighty whities. The scar on his stomach from where he got shot years ago still visible in the low light. As expected, he ordered us to bed with a sharp command. Although our intentions were always to honor him, we all knew that this wouldn't be the only time we'd see the underwear ghost that night. Goofing off was what we lived for, and even when we'd make a pact to stay quiet someone would always start telling a joke, let out a hilarious fart, or even start a wrestling match. This night was going to go down in history as the night we would turn the tables and scare the ghost but for the moment all was silent. Who was going to be the first to violate the decree and with what? Then Travis let out a fart. A few giggles ensued. Nothing out of the ordinary so far. He let out another larger one and another and another growing faster in pace. I couldn't believe it, he must be butt breathing! I thought I was the only one who had mastered this special talent. Then as fast as it began, it stopped and I knew why. Travis was laughing hysterically.
          "He's butt breathing" Said Joel in a raspy whisper.  "I know" Jared confirmed. Wow, I guess everyone knows about butt breathing. I had no idea. It wasn't long before Joel and Travis were in the midst of a fart competition and we heard the familiar sound of an elephant on his hind legs tromping down the hall above us. Joel and Travis quickly straightened out their bodies from "the position" and pretended to be asleep.
          "Shut up and go to sleep! Don't make me come down here again!" barked the man. No one said a word. This time we all agreed that although the butt breathing was the most hilarious thing ever, we should put it to rest and try to sleep. A long time passed and the rec room stayed quiet. I was wide awake though and couldn't let the night pass by without impressing the guys with my own rump trumpet. In the darkness, I bent my sleeping bag up like an inchworm and cleared my mind. Once I reached my state of zen I sucked in an ass gulp of air and blasted it back out. Almost immediately after my explosion, another echoed form across the room. Jared had joined the ranks as well. With our initial outburst of laughter behind us we were all able to concentrate and within no time at all, the four of us were all simultaneously breathing with our butts. The sound in the room was as if it was raining woopee cushions. Deep in our meditation of collective fart consciousness, no one heard captain underwear stomping down the hall. This time he said nothing, he just flipped the switch on the wall, exposing our fart chorus with a flash of light. We kept going. eventually one of us broke down and began laughing which caused us all to stop farting and laugh as well. It must have been quite infectious because even Jared and Joel's dad, on his third trip to shut us up began to cackle. I think the only thing he said before retiring back to his bedrrom was "You guys are disgusting, it smells like a toilet in here."

Epilogue:

          Over the years that followed the choir of ass we assembled that night, I occasionally butt breathed here and there for my friend's entertainment. However, I always knew that my display would never top that night in the rec room. Although I will probably make occasional references to farting or butts on this blog in the future, I promise I won't devote an entire column to the subject ever again. Happy butt breathing!     
    

No comments:

Post a Comment